....joy cometh in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Wow, I don't even know where to begin. It's been a while since I've posted anything and there is soooo much to share, but I'll be sure not to share a lot for your own sanity. These past few months have been one of the most stressful times. I'm not gonna lie, they have been pretty miserable. They have been filled with disappointment, heartache, frustration, stress, etc. I've been struggling in pretty much every area of my life lately. I've lost a lot of motivation and I am in desperate need of it right now. However, I'm getting through and I'm slowly building it back up. There's one thing I wanted to really share though. So here goes...

I wasn't having such a good day a few weeks ago. I studied so hard on a test and didn't make the grade I was expecting, I was assigned tons of homework, going through a rough time with my boyfriend, struggling with finances, and becoming completely unhappy with my job at the time. I was also receiving unwanted information about the nursing program which added to the stress. So all in all it was a blah day. A day where all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and forget about all of my worries and stresses. I just felt stuck and that my life wasn't moving forward. And at times I still feel like that. But there was one thing I realized when I got in my car after school that day. And that thought is this: That I have a God who will take care of me in my darkest times. He reminded me of this with a song called Before The Morning by Josh Wilson. I broke down right there in my car because I had begun to lose hope and God lifted me up and spoke to me through that one song. I knew it was him speaking and that gave me great comfort.

We are all human and I believe that at times we all come to a fork in the road. There are times when Satan tries to pull us away from our path God has laid out for us and we come so close to letting him succeed. And I think that this song is a great encouragement to us all. When we feel like giving in or giving up this message can lift us up and push us to keep going.

Go and watch the video! I promise you will blessed!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=New8i_eX3x8

Let Go and Let God

Alright, so lately I have had a few things on my mind that I really just need to get off my chest. The past few weeks have been a bit of a learning experience for me. The Lord has really been working in me and He has opened my eyes to so many things here lately. Here are some things that God has shown me by using others:

1) About two weeks ago, our pastor gave people an opportunity to come forth and give a testimony. And my am I glad he did, because one lady spoke of something very personal and she was telling us how she was looking for God to give her answers but couldn't hear or feel Him. Why? She said because she hadn't been reading His Word and studying it. But once she got back into the Word she could feel His presence again and could hear Him speaking to her. And as you all know I went through a time where I was lacking in the same areas: spending time in His Word. And during that same time I was going through a situation where I really needed His guidance. However, I couldn't hear or feel a thing. But when I heard this woman speak I knew exactly what was wrong. I felt for this woman because I was in the same situation. So lesson number one: spend time in Gods Word and in prayer on a daily basis. This is how God will speak to you.

2) My sister and I joined a Bible study class this summer. It was over the book of Ruth. And I very much enjoyed it. There are so many things hidden in this book; so many lessons that you have to dig for. Anyway, this isn't really about the bible study but something that my teacher said, "We need to be willing to do things Gods way or He will not bless it!" That one, simple line says and explains so much. If you're having trouble in a particular situation and you're scared of the outcome, just remember that if it's Gods way then you will be blessed for it. Lesson number two: If you're walking in Gods path then you have nothing to fear. God will take care of His children who walk in His ways.

3) I've been following a blog about a woman 2 years older than me that has a tumor on her liver. She's such an inspiring, strong, Christian woman. Well she posted a song on her blog a few days ago and I fell in love with it! It spoke to me in so many ways and opened my eyes wider than ever! :D Here's a link to the song:



It's called Have Your Way by Britt Nicole. Amazing, beautiful song!!!! It tells how this life isn't easy and that we are going to go through hard times and no matter what we do in the end God will do what He wants with us. We need to learn to let things go sometimes and just let God have His way with our lives. Lesson number three: I don't control anything that goes on in my life.

4) Lastly, I have not used my talent the Lord blessed me with in over a year. But recently, I had the opportunity to try out for the praise team at my church. I was extremely nervous and doubted my making it. However, God blessed me and I'm now serving on the praise team at my church. Lesson number four: God will always come through for me and you and everyone!!! He opens doors for us and allows us to take part in miraculous things! (I know the praise team isn't "miraculous" but it's close enough for me!!! :D)

Sorry for the long post. I want to leave ya'll with this quote I came across on the same blog I found the song.

"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused!" -Alan Cohen

Have a great weekend!!!
♥Caitlyn

Loving Well

Alright, I realize that it has been like 8 months since I have posted anything and I'm ashamed to say that the reasoning behind it is because I haven't felt...oh what do you call it?....a longing to post, I guess, in a really long time. I like to write when there is something on my heart that I can share with others and lately I just haven't been feeling anything spectacular in my heart! :( Yes, I know, shameful. Well tonight I decided to read just a little spec of my Loving Well journal by Beth Moore and of course she did it! That woman can say anything to encourage or inspire. Anyway, the section I was reading was speaking of Gods Love and how we cannot love others until we believe God loves us and we allow His love to flow through us. In this section Beth asked to read 1 John 4:7-17 and one verse really stuck out and has made my top 5 favorite verses:

vs. 12 "No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.

In other words by Beth: "No one has ever seen God, but when we love beyond our abilities, people will see Him in us. More than our teaching, serving, or exhorting, God manifests Himself through us when we love." One of the best ways to worship our God is by simply loving others! But a problem we Christians have in learning to love others is that we don't take time to let God minister to and love on us. Unless He fills us with love, we will be unable to pour out God's love on others!

I'll leave you with a question Beth asked and a wonderful Prayer she prepared for this section.

Question to ponder: "Do you really believe God loves you? Why or why not?"

PRAYER: Father, I confess that sometimes I try to love others out of a sense of duty rather than out of a heart that overflows with Your love. I have been reminded that I cannot give others what I have not received. Before I can love anybody else I need You to love me.

♥Caitlyn

"Overwhelming Happiness"

This past Sunday at church my pastor said something that really got me thinking. It was quick and to the point but still had an impact. We were having a time of prayer and he told us to take this time to thank God for all the good things in your life. And I thought, how often do we forget to do that? We are so consumed in our wants and needs that we forget to look at what we already have, what God has already blessed us with. I'm mainly speaking to myself when I say this. At the moment I am completely happy with the way my life is going and I'm so thankful for that, but have I thanked God yet? No. And that's sad. Nothing that happens in our life takes place without God allowing it to. All the wonderful things that we have is from God. And we so often take that for granted, myself included. I think we should all start taking a little bit of time out of our day to thank God for the things we have in our lives. You'll be amazed at how much your relationship with Him will grow just by doing this one small thing.

Another subject I wanted to stress relates in a way to what I just talked about. We have so many things to be thankful for in our lives whether you see it or not. But what have we done to deserve it? What have I specifically done to deserve this happiness I've been feeling for quite sometime? Absolutely nothing. This just shows how great our God really is. How merciful, forgiving, caring, and loving He is! This thought by itself should bring you to your knees. He deserves so much more than what we give Him, if anything. He deserves a heart fully devoted to Him.

This thought has been and will be forever an encouragement to me. It inspired me to thank my God when needed, love Him more, grow closer to Him, and to never ever take Him or the things He has given me for granted! I hope and pray it does the same for you!

Catching Up!

My goodness, so much has happened since my last post. I know it's been a very long time since I've written anything. But here I go to catch up on some things. :D
Tour ended with a bang I guess you would say. Our last service ever was one of our best services. Yet it was a tough one as well. Especially for Dr. Bryant. However, we were still all smiles and had tons of fun. We tried to make this tour the best for him. I'm hoping we succeeded. I'm missing ensemble terribly. I miss the singing and traveling every Sunday. I miss serving God through song. And I miss using my talent He gave me for Him. Hopefully some day soon I can get involved in ministry again. It's really tough right now because my family and I started going to another church. (we moved so our home church is too far) The church is huge! It's beautiful though and I really like it. It's just hard to get involved in such a large church. But I'm being patient and giving it time and jumping at any opportunity I get.
Anyway, I've been living at home ever since I got home from tour and it's been pretty interesting here. Things have changed drastically. Not so much at home but in me and with me. My life basically. I don't know what it is about me but I'm losing. This will be the third best friend in a row to walk out on me and leave me behind. Is it something I'm doing wrong? That is my only conclusion. I don't know what it is, but I intend to find out. Lately we have been fighting constantly, non-stop over ridiculous things! Now, we don't even talk. She turns to a new friend of hers and leaves me high and dry. I'm at a loss at what to do now.
On a better note, though, I finally found another job! Yay! I've been jobless since May 15Th and I've been dying here! I love working and finally I can start up again. I had to quit my last job at ECYC because I moved back home. It's been killing me. I worked there for a year and a half and I got so attached to those wonderful kids. I didn't want to leave but I knew I had too. I miss those kids so much and I've been wanting to visit them ever since I got back from tour but with my car not working the way it should my dad wont let me drive to Arlington. :( So I don't know what I'm going to do about that. But I did get a job at another school so I can watch new kids grow and learn. I'm excited to start.
Now lets talk about some school! I'm starting at a new school and boy am I nervous! I'm starting the nursing program and I must do extremely well in my classes to get accepted. I've been reading up on information about nursing and all I hear about it is constant studying. That scares me. I'm bad at studying because I get so distracted very easily. But with me living at home with no friends around and the motivation I have maybe I'll be able to keep myself disciplined. I have been waiting so long to start this and now it's finally here and I don't want to mess anything up.
OK, one more thing. I've always believed that God placed a love for missions in my heart. I don't believe He called me to that particular ministry for full time though. But any who, my sister and I are planning on going on a mission trip to Brazil next summer. I can't wait and I hope all works out. My parents aren't too crazy about it and neither is some of our friends but I ask that, if you are reading this, pray for me and my sister. One thing I desire is to go out and help change the world and this is a great start. I don't want anything prohibiting me from doing Gods work. It's a passion of mine to help those less fortunate. Once I get my degree in nursing I want to go on as many short term mission trips as I can to help those who don't have the benefits we do here. So once again, please pray that this trip can be made possible and that all who go are kept safe.

Alright so the ensemble is in our third week of tour and it sure has been an interesting one. Our group was struggling to get along the first two weeks of it. And it was an awful two weeks because of it. But setting all that aside, it's been pretty eventful and fun. We have been to the beach three times already and it's been wonderful. We went to the zoo and I got to feed a giraffe! It was one of the coolest things I have ever done! I've never been that close to an animal like that. We are also going to Disney World here soon. The 16th I believe. I'm extremely excited about that. I love Disney! :D Although we are having a fun time with events and stuff. I'm still struggling personally. I'm leaving for good when I get home and I'm not coming back. And I'm upset about leaving some people. But I feel that some of those people aren't as upset as I am. For example, Chris. Chris and I have been through a lot together. We have been very close friends for a while now. However, we got in a huge fight and haven't really had a real conversation since then. Well it's really been bothering me, because I don't want to end our friendship being mad at each other. So I decided to send him a long message asking him what happened, if there was anything i had done, and apologizing and simple things like that. Well that was two days ago, and I have yet to get a response. And you know it just hurts that he could be that careless as to leave me hanging the way he did. But I also am telling myself to not jump to any conclusions yet. I want to also give him time. It's just kind of hard considering I'm a pretty impatient person. (I'm working on that though) Anyway, I'm just praying that he will at least give me something before this tour is over.
Another reason I'm struggling is because some things have happened recently that really hurt and it just stuck. Things were said to me and about me that were very hurtful. It amazes me how Christians enjoy putting other Christians down constantly. I never thought until I came to Bible College that Christians could be so cruel. And to be honest I prefer the secular world at times. They aren't so quick to judge and condemn as we Christians are. I find it highly pathetic and ridiculous. I thought that we are supposed to be building each other up not tearing each other down? Anyway, kind of chased a rabbit trail there. But even though hurtful things were said, I'm thankful for them. Why? Because it was an eye opener. I have been trying to change certain aspects of my life for a very long time now. And it has been a struggle. And I have never really had a major reasoning behind it other than I knew it was wrong. Well hearing someone point out those flaws and putting me down because of them really just got to me. That was a punch to the stomach right there. But also an encouragement I guess you would call it. And since then I, and others, can tell a change in me. Not major, but something. And it's all Jesus' doing!
I've come to appreciate the Lord and love Him more than I ever have in my entire Christian walk. My heart has just grown so much. He has softened my heart so much while on this trip. I'm not sure why but I love it! I am learning so much and growing so much. And I am so thankful for that.
Even though tour so far has been rough, I am still very thankful for it. It not only opened my eyes to new things, but also made me so much stronger. Is making me more responsible. Is helping me learn the importance of patience. Is making me the woman God wants me to be. I'm growing not only as a person but as a Christian. Even if others can't see it, I can and so does God. And that is all who it is for anyway. He is the one that matters.

Miss you family! Thank you so much for your support and love! Miss you Courtney! You are the bestest friend anyone could ever have. Thank you so much for your prayers and loyalty! Miss you class! You kids are wonderful and I love you!Miss you Justin! Thank you for a second chance when I didn't deserve it. Miss you Elvis, Rusty, and Mav! :) Can't wait to come home to all of you!

Confusion and Pain

For the past week I have been listening to the new Rascal Flatts cd-Unstoppable and there is this one song that has really just touched my heart. It's an extremely sad but beautiful song. It is about a 17 year old boy committing suicide. Yes it's an awful subject to think about but you will understand what I'm talking about once you listen to this song. Now no one in my life has ever committed suicide, thankfully, but there are certain lines in the song that really get to me. I'll list the lines for you to give you more of an idea of where I'm going with this. I've skipped lines so if it sounds weird just bare with me please:

Now here we are gathered in our little home town, this can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd. Oh why, that's what I keep asking. God only knows what went wrong and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song. Now the oak trees are swayin’ in the early autumn breeze the golden sun is shining on my face the tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing this old world really ain’t that bad a place. Oh why there’s no comprehending and who am I to try to judge or explain. Now you’re gone and we cried. Cause It’s not like you to walk away in the middle of a song, your beautiful song, your absolutely beautiful song.

November 1, 2008 I lost a very close friend to a motorcycle accident. I was in absolute shock when I was told he was gone. I had never felt so much pain and so much confusion in my entire life. I didn't know what to do or how to handle it. Thankfully my Amazing God and wonderful friends helped me get through it. But that still didn't mend the hurt inside. And to be honest I will never be fully healed. There will always be a piece of my heart missing. Cody was like my brother. He cared for me, and protected me, and acted like normal big brother would (even though he was younger). Though it was six months ago, I'm still hurting, just as I'm sure others are too. I have relived that day in my mind everyday since that day. I don't want to but I can't help it. I ask "why." Why in the world did it happen the way it did? Why in the world did it happen when it did? He was only 17 years old. He had his whole life ahead of him!

I wanted so badly to be angry with God that night, and the following days after. But I was wise enough to know that God did it for a reason. Even though we may not know that reason God certainly does. You know I have been thinking a lot how decisions in the past would have changed my feelings on this event. Questions that I ask myself and God.

If I hadn't ever broken up with a certain guy I was dating, I would have never dated Cody's best friend, and then I would have never gotten as close as I did with him, and then I wouldn't have been so hurt as I was. Don't get me wrong, I still would have been hurt, but not as devastated as I was. So I ask:

Why did God allow me to hurt the most amazing guy that has ever been in my life? Why did God allow me to date the best friend of Cody? Why did God allow me to get extremely close to Cody, just to have him taken away from me!?!?!? Why did God allow me to date another guy that treated me horribly when we're alone, but wonderful when people were around? Why did God allow me to have all these feelings I'm feeling right now?

This all may seem immature, but it's really not. It's confusion. It's regret. It's hurt. It's grieving. And anything else along those lines. I can't explain half the things I'm feeling. But God knows! And I'm trusting in Him to give me the answers to these questions. I'm trusting Him to sort out all this confusion, because the Word does say "God is not the author of confusion." I know that God wants the best for me. And I'm going to keep my faith strong no matter how much pain I experience and no matter how confused I am at this awful situation.

Cody Randall Phelps

7/5/1991-11/1/2008

I love you and miss you SO much!

Beautiful Transformation

It's spring time! How exciting?! To me I see spring time as a time of change. Flowers are blooming, birds are singing, and the caterpillars are curling up into their chrysalis' and forming into a beautiful butterfly. And that particular transformation just amazes me. Honestly, caterpillars aren't very appealing to look at to me. But then they miraculously transform into one of the most beautiful insects.

I work at a daycare as a pre-k teacher. Every spring we get caterpillars, we take care of them, wait for them to crawl up into their chrysalis' and then put them in the little net thing till they "hatch." Well one of the teachers accidentally dropped one into some sugar. And when it hatched its antennas were stuck together, it couldn't fly, and didn't have all its legs. It was so sad.

All this reminds me of us as Christians and the transformation we go through. I'm not talking about the biggest transformation when we get saved and we become new but the constant transformation in our lives. We as Christians are consistently changing. We analyze our lives and realize that there are things that we need to change. We may be living wrong. We may be participating in something we shouldn't. Etc. Etc. As for me this week has been a major learning experience. Quite a few things have happen in my life and they weren't so good. But I'm thankful for them none the less. I've learned a lot and I believe that I have matured much more. I believe that God brought me to these storms to learn, to grow, and to mature. People make mistakes and people learn from them. And I pray that I keep learning. It's not fun messing up and then going through all the pain and suffering. But in the long run they pay off. God never does anything without knowing what is going to happen next. God never makes a mistake. God is never taken by surprise. And that is what's so amazing! He is all knowing and He is my God. And I know that no matter what I go through God is there with me every step of the way. These certain situations are still going on, but already I'm changing and learning from them. And I just hope that others will recognize as well.

Giving Up

"Sometimes when I'm alone and I can't keep it in anymore. Sometimes when I'm surrounded and feel out of place. When memories weigh me down and regret and fear consume me. When I feel I've done nothing right and everything wrong. When I know I don't deserve what I have, but I still want more. When I can't forgive. When I need hope. When all I want is to give up and sleep forever. When I cry tears of heartache. When my soul is wounded. When my faith is tested, but every tear I cry is counted. They are caught in His hands and every weeping moment is spent in His arms. My tears may be pain. My tears may be of sadness, but the comfort is of God, Who hates to see me cry, but knows sometimes I need too."

This is a poem written by one of my friends and at the moment it just really spoke to my heart. Right now I have been dealing with some hard things such as: school, work, personal things, and spiritual things. None of these things are terribly bad but things that are bringing me down. Situations have happened and I wouldn't go as far as losing faith but just feeling like giving up. Maybe it's the same thing, I don't know. Anyway, this poem really helped me. It helped me to realize that when things are going wrong or not how you wanted them to go. When things get overwhelming or stressful. When trials and storms come. God brings them to us. And while these certain situations are going on in our lives, He is holding us. He is carrying us and leading us through them. Isn't it so amazing that if we just trust in the Lord to guide us that we will come out of these trials much stronger and wiser? It's a wonderful feeling to know that God wants the best for our lives, He doesn't want to see us hurting. Yet he knows we have to hurt so we can learn and grow closer to Him. As long as we keep pushing through and we aren't giving up, He will be there completely, leading us! Don't get me wrong, I know God is with us through it all. But what I mean by that is if we give up we will stray away from the One. So when things are getting rough, when storms are coming, don't give up! I've learned more in the valley than I have on the mountain!