Confusion and Pain

For the past week I have been listening to the new Rascal Flatts cd-Unstoppable and there is this one song that has really just touched my heart. It's an extremely sad but beautiful song. It is about a 17 year old boy committing suicide. Yes it's an awful subject to think about but you will understand what I'm talking about once you listen to this song. Now no one in my life has ever committed suicide, thankfully, but there are certain lines in the song that really get to me. I'll list the lines for you to give you more of an idea of where I'm going with this. I've skipped lines so if it sounds weird just bare with me please:

Now here we are gathered in our little home town, this can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd. Oh why, that's what I keep asking. God only knows what went wrong and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song. Now the oak trees are swayin’ in the early autumn breeze the golden sun is shining on my face the tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing this old world really ain’t that bad a place. Oh why there’s no comprehending and who am I to try to judge or explain. Now you’re gone and we cried. Cause It’s not like you to walk away in the middle of a song, your beautiful song, your absolutely beautiful song.

November 1, 2008 I lost a very close friend to a motorcycle accident. I was in absolute shock when I was told he was gone. I had never felt so much pain and so much confusion in my entire life. I didn't know what to do or how to handle it. Thankfully my Amazing God and wonderful friends helped me get through it. But that still didn't mend the hurt inside. And to be honest I will never be fully healed. There will always be a piece of my heart missing. Cody was like my brother. He cared for me, and protected me, and acted like normal big brother would (even though he was younger). Though it was six months ago, I'm still hurting, just as I'm sure others are too. I have relived that day in my mind everyday since that day. I don't want to but I can't help it. I ask "why." Why in the world did it happen the way it did? Why in the world did it happen when it did? He was only 17 years old. He had his whole life ahead of him!

I wanted so badly to be angry with God that night, and the following days after. But I was wise enough to know that God did it for a reason. Even though we may not know that reason God certainly does. You know I have been thinking a lot how decisions in the past would have changed my feelings on this event. Questions that I ask myself and God.

If I hadn't ever broken up with a certain guy I was dating, I would have never dated Cody's best friend, and then I would have never gotten as close as I did with him, and then I wouldn't have been so hurt as I was. Don't get me wrong, I still would have been hurt, but not as devastated as I was. So I ask:

Why did God allow me to hurt the most amazing guy that has ever been in my life? Why did God allow me to date the best friend of Cody? Why did God allow me to get extremely close to Cody, just to have him taken away from me!?!?!? Why did God allow me to date another guy that treated me horribly when we're alone, but wonderful when people were around? Why did God allow me to have all these feelings I'm feeling right now?

This all may seem immature, but it's really not. It's confusion. It's regret. It's hurt. It's grieving. And anything else along those lines. I can't explain half the things I'm feeling. But God knows! And I'm trusting in Him to give me the answers to these questions. I'm trusting Him to sort out all this confusion, because the Word does say "God is not the author of confusion." I know that God wants the best for me. And I'm going to keep my faith strong no matter how much pain I experience and no matter how confused I am at this awful situation.

Cody Randall Phelps

7/5/1991-11/1/2008

I love you and miss you SO much!