Confusion and Pain

For the past week I have been listening to the new Rascal Flatts cd-Unstoppable and there is this one song that has really just touched my heart. It's an extremely sad but beautiful song. It is about a 17 year old boy committing suicide. Yes it's an awful subject to think about but you will understand what I'm talking about once you listen to this song. Now no one in my life has ever committed suicide, thankfully, but there are certain lines in the song that really get to me. I'll list the lines for you to give you more of an idea of where I'm going with this. I've skipped lines so if it sounds weird just bare with me please:

Now here we are gathered in our little home town, this can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd. Oh why, that's what I keep asking. God only knows what went wrong and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song. Now the oak trees are swayin’ in the early autumn breeze the golden sun is shining on my face the tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing this old world really ain’t that bad a place. Oh why there’s no comprehending and who am I to try to judge or explain. Now you’re gone and we cried. Cause It’s not like you to walk away in the middle of a song, your beautiful song, your absolutely beautiful song.

November 1, 2008 I lost a very close friend to a motorcycle accident. I was in absolute shock when I was told he was gone. I had never felt so much pain and so much confusion in my entire life. I didn't know what to do or how to handle it. Thankfully my Amazing God and wonderful friends helped me get through it. But that still didn't mend the hurt inside. And to be honest I will never be fully healed. There will always be a piece of my heart missing. Cody was like my brother. He cared for me, and protected me, and acted like normal big brother would (even though he was younger). Though it was six months ago, I'm still hurting, just as I'm sure others are too. I have relived that day in my mind everyday since that day. I don't want to but I can't help it. I ask "why." Why in the world did it happen the way it did? Why in the world did it happen when it did? He was only 17 years old. He had his whole life ahead of him!

I wanted so badly to be angry with God that night, and the following days after. But I was wise enough to know that God did it for a reason. Even though we may not know that reason God certainly does. You know I have been thinking a lot how decisions in the past would have changed my feelings on this event. Questions that I ask myself and God.

If I hadn't ever broken up with a certain guy I was dating, I would have never dated Cody's best friend, and then I would have never gotten as close as I did with him, and then I wouldn't have been so hurt as I was. Don't get me wrong, I still would have been hurt, but not as devastated as I was. So I ask:

Why did God allow me to hurt the most amazing guy that has ever been in my life? Why did God allow me to date the best friend of Cody? Why did God allow me to get extremely close to Cody, just to have him taken away from me!?!?!? Why did God allow me to date another guy that treated me horribly when we're alone, but wonderful when people were around? Why did God allow me to have all these feelings I'm feeling right now?

This all may seem immature, but it's really not. It's confusion. It's regret. It's hurt. It's grieving. And anything else along those lines. I can't explain half the things I'm feeling. But God knows! And I'm trusting in Him to give me the answers to these questions. I'm trusting Him to sort out all this confusion, because the Word does say "God is not the author of confusion." I know that God wants the best for me. And I'm going to keep my faith strong no matter how much pain I experience and no matter how confused I am at this awful situation.

Cody Randall Phelps

7/5/1991-11/1/2008

I love you and miss you SO much!

Beautiful Transformation

It's spring time! How exciting?! To me I see spring time as a time of change. Flowers are blooming, birds are singing, and the caterpillars are curling up into their chrysalis' and forming into a beautiful butterfly. And that particular transformation just amazes me. Honestly, caterpillars aren't very appealing to look at to me. But then they miraculously transform into one of the most beautiful insects.

I work at a daycare as a pre-k teacher. Every spring we get caterpillars, we take care of them, wait for them to crawl up into their chrysalis' and then put them in the little net thing till they "hatch." Well one of the teachers accidentally dropped one into some sugar. And when it hatched its antennas were stuck together, it couldn't fly, and didn't have all its legs. It was so sad.

All this reminds me of us as Christians and the transformation we go through. I'm not talking about the biggest transformation when we get saved and we become new but the constant transformation in our lives. We as Christians are consistently changing. We analyze our lives and realize that there are things that we need to change. We may be living wrong. We may be participating in something we shouldn't. Etc. Etc. As for me this week has been a major learning experience. Quite a few things have happen in my life and they weren't so good. But I'm thankful for them none the less. I've learned a lot and I believe that I have matured much more. I believe that God brought me to these storms to learn, to grow, and to mature. People make mistakes and people learn from them. And I pray that I keep learning. It's not fun messing up and then going through all the pain and suffering. But in the long run they pay off. God never does anything without knowing what is going to happen next. God never makes a mistake. God is never taken by surprise. And that is what's so amazing! He is all knowing and He is my God. And I know that no matter what I go through God is there with me every step of the way. These certain situations are still going on, but already I'm changing and learning from them. And I just hope that others will recognize as well.

Giving Up

"Sometimes when I'm alone and I can't keep it in anymore. Sometimes when I'm surrounded and feel out of place. When memories weigh me down and regret and fear consume me. When I feel I've done nothing right and everything wrong. When I know I don't deserve what I have, but I still want more. When I can't forgive. When I need hope. When all I want is to give up and sleep forever. When I cry tears of heartache. When my soul is wounded. When my faith is tested, but every tear I cry is counted. They are caught in His hands and every weeping moment is spent in His arms. My tears may be pain. My tears may be of sadness, but the comfort is of God, Who hates to see me cry, but knows sometimes I need too."

This is a poem written by one of my friends and at the moment it just really spoke to my heart. Right now I have been dealing with some hard things such as: school, work, personal things, and spiritual things. None of these things are terribly bad but things that are bringing me down. Situations have happened and I wouldn't go as far as losing faith but just feeling like giving up. Maybe it's the same thing, I don't know. Anyway, this poem really helped me. It helped me to realize that when things are going wrong or not how you wanted them to go. When things get overwhelming or stressful. When trials and storms come. God brings them to us. And while these certain situations are going on in our lives, He is holding us. He is carrying us and leading us through them. Isn't it so amazing that if we just trust in the Lord to guide us that we will come out of these trials much stronger and wiser? It's a wonderful feeling to know that God wants the best for our lives, He doesn't want to see us hurting. Yet he knows we have to hurt so we can learn and grow closer to Him. As long as we keep pushing through and we aren't giving up, He will be there completely, leading us! Don't get me wrong, I know God is with us through it all. But what I mean by that is if we give up we will stray away from the One. So when things are getting rough, when storms are coming, don't give up! I've learned more in the valley than I have on the mountain!